In the Foxhole | The Daily Show


From Comedy Central’s
World News Headquarters
in New York,
“The Daily Show with Trevor
Noah” presents…
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
– We’re learning things about
what President Trump does
before bed at night, and…
It’s even worse than you think.
– This week’s “New York
Magazine” reports that Trump
and the Fox News host
Sean Hannity
speak on the phone
most weeknights.
The report also quotes a
former White House official
who says Hannity and Fox
create a feedback loop
that puts Trump in a
“weird headspace,” adding…
– Okay, okay,
you have to admit,
it’s cute that these two talk
before bed every night.
Yeah,
they’re like eight-year-old
tree house buddies
with those cans on strings,
you know, gossiping about which
girls they secretly paid off.
You know, or whether
it’s “yanni” or “laurel.”
It’s laurel, by the way.
But that feedback loop part is
really weird for me, right.
They’re saying
that President Trump
says something outlandish
to Hannity on the phone.
Hannity then repeats it on TV
and then Trump watches that
and goes, “You see?
Exactly!
That’s what I was saying!”
Trump is like that gorilla
getting riled up
on what he’s doing
in the mirror.
He’s like,
“You see what he did?”
And here’s my favorite part
of this story.
White House staff know
that the calls happen,
thanks to the president
entering a room
and announcing “I just hung up
with Hannity.”
Or even ringing Hannity up from
his desk in their presence.
How are you both the president
and a star [bleep]?
How? Like, no other world
leader does that,
you realize it.
Putin’s never talking
to his assistant like,
“[Russian accent] Not big deal,
“but I was at party with actor
who play Sheldon
“on ‘Big Bang,’ yeah.
“Yeah, Elon Musk and Grimes
there too.
Just saying. Yeah. Yeah.”
[eerie music]
So lawmakers in both parties
are against Trump separating
kids from their parents.
And more surprising, even Trump
is against Trump
separating kids
from their parents.
– We want to solve
this problem.
We want to solve
family separation.
I don’t want children
taken away from parents.
– Now, I know you might be
a little confused right now.
Like, why would Trump hate the
policy that he himself made?
But let’s be real.
You don’t always love
everything you make.
And also–and also–
[cheers and laughter]
The president’s–
The president can’t just change
this policy.
I mean, well, he can,
but not without the approval
of his most trusted advisors.
And the problem is, the members
of Trump’s TV cabinet team,
like, they seem to be fine with
everything that’s happening.
For instance, here’s the
Secretary of Inhuman Services,
Laura Ingraham.
– Since more illegal immigrants
are rushing the border,
more kids are being separated
from their parents
and temporarily housed
in what are essentially
summer cra–camps,
or as the “San Diego Union
Tribune” described them today,
as looking like basically
boarding schools.
[groaning]
– Yo, what–what kind of
freaky-ass summer camps
did she go to?
Was her family just dropping
her off every June
at state prison?
She was coming out like,
“Camp was so fun!
“We made license plates
and shivs!
And I-I got this teardrop
tattoo!”
You only get that
if you kill people.
“Yeah.”
But just to be clear,
once again,
the point is not how nice
the places are
that they’re keeping these kids
in, right.
The point is that
the federal government
is snatching kids
away from their parents.
If you kidnap someone’s kid,
but you keep them
in a really nice basement,
that’s still not okay.
Liam Neeson wasn’t like,
“What kind of food
“are you feeding her?
“What? Sushi?
Well, I guess she has been
taken… care of!”
[laughter]
That’s not how it works.
[cheers and applause]
So…
So Laura Ingal–Ingraham–
So Lauran Ingraham clearly
won’t be advising
the president to stop
separating these families.
And neither will Director
of False Equivalencies
Tucker Carlson.
– This is one of those moments
that tells you everything
about our ruling class.
They care far more
about foreigners
than about their own people.
They don’t care
because no matter what
they tell you,
this is not about
helping children.
Lot of people yelling at you on
TV don’t even have children,
so don’t for a second let them
take the moral high ground.
– Wow.
This angry McNugget
seriously just said,
“You can’t care about kids
unless you have kids.”
That is the dumbest logic
I have ever heard.
How does Tucker not get that
you can care about things
that don’t directly affect you?
And I’m just glad that he’s
a TV pundit and not a doctor.
It’d be like, “Dr. Carlson,
what should I do
about my cancer?”
Well, I don’t have cancer,
so really, I don’t give a shit.
Yeah, I, uh, I just don’t.
But, uh, but…
If you ever get hemorrhoids,
gimme a call, yeah.
[laughter]
So top advisors
Tucker and Laura
clearly won’t let the president
change this policy
that he hates so much,
and it’s gonna get even worse
if he watches
“Fox and Friends”
because Brian Kilmeade was
making every single argument
in one sentence
at the same time.
– And as Nancy Pelosi steps
over the homeless
in San Francisco to hop
on a plane
to go to the border
to have a heart bleed
for the–for people
from other countries
that are coming here,
understand
we are $20 trillion in debt.
We have–
classrooms that overrun,
we have teachers buying
their own supplies.
These kids come in fantastic,
Oprah Winfrey.
I’m glad you’re upset about it,
but what–these kids get fanned
out to working-class
neighborhoods into our society
and then they have to be
paid for by–
English as a second language,
and then they gotta be schooled
and a lot of them, uh, sadly…
– Right.
– In my neighborhood, turn
into, uh, um,
– MS-13.
– MS-13.
– What…
the [bleep] was that?
I’m sorry,
that’s not an argument.
That was just like
conservative slam poetry.
Just like,
Pelosi, Oprah Winfrey,
killing the American dream
with MS-13, teen, teen,
teen, teen, teen.
[cheers and applause]
Look…
Look, man,
the fact of the matter is,
separating kids from their
parents is heartless, okay.
And the only way
that we can stop the government
from doing it
is to demand change.
So get on the phone
and call the people
who can actually do something
about this, and I’m not talking
about Congress.
I’m talking about the
policymakers at Fox News.
Yeah, call them,
’cause they can do something.
They work for the president,
which means they work for you.
♪ ♪
– Today was a very bad day
for President Trump.
Not only was his favorite
comedian found guilty,
but then the man he picked
for Veteran’s Affairs
was forced to withdraw
from consideration.
And on top of all of that,
Trump’s 23andMe results
came back
and they confirmed
that he’s 50% Eric.
So Trump did what everyone does
when they’re feeling down.
He called in
to a Fox News morning show
and it was honestly epic,
because normally
when Trump has a bad day,
we know Trump watches
“Fox and Friends”
and yells at the TV,
but today he did the same thing
but we all got to listen in.
And you could tell
from the start
that this was
going to be special.
– Thank you so much for being
with us, Mr. President.
– Well, good morning,
and I picked a very,
very special day because
it’s Melania’s birthday.
So I said, “Let’s do it
on Melania’s birthday.”
So happy birthday to Melania.
– All right, hopefully there’ll
be visits in between,
but have you decided on,
or do you want to tell us
what you got her?
– Well, I better not
get into that
’cause I may get in trouble.
Maybe I didn’t get her
so much.
I’ll tell you what,
she has done–
I got her a beautiful card.
[laughter]
– How did Trump mess up the
world’s easiest question?
It’s like they threw him
a softball,
and he swung and hit himself
in the dick.
[laughter]
And I mean, it’s her birthday.
I can’t believe that Donald
didn’t get Melania anything
for her birthday.
Now she might think he’s not
a very good husband.
Also, I would pay anything
to know what he wrote
inside that card,
that he definitely
didn’t actually get.
Like, “Roses are red,
“love is a mystery,
I had a historic
Electoral College victory.”
Why did Trump say he called in
to “Fox and Friends”
because it was Melania’s
birthday?
Like, what does that mean?
He’s like, “Honey,
I’ve got a great celebration
“planned for us today.
“I’m gonna talk
to some TV people
while sitting on the toilet.”
Like, “Oh, thank you, Donald.
My life is a beautiful dream.”
[laughter]
Okay, so–so the interview
didn’t get off
to a great start,
but then it got worse.
– I get along with Kanye.
I get along with a lot
of people, frankly.
But Kanye looks and he sees
black unemployment
at the lowest it’s been in
the history of our country.
– Have Republicans
done a bad job
ignoring the black community
up until now?
– You know, I think
it was just a custom.
Uh, people don’t realize,
you know,
if you go back
to the Civil War,
it was the Republicans
that really did the thing.
Lincoln was a Republican.
– Republicans did the thing?
[laughter]
Trump would make
a dope history teacher.
It would be so easy to pass.
“Class, what was the turning
point in the Civil War?”
Uh, the thing?
“A plus!”
Like, he’s the first
sober person I’ve heard
doing drunk history.
That’s amazing.
Now, this interview was so long
and incoherent and rambling
that even Trump’s friends
on “Fox and Friends”
became uncomfortable,
and you could tell
by the looks on their faces.
– That I will not be involved
with the Justice Department.
I will wait till this is over.
It’s a total–
uh, it’s all lies.
– All right.
– It’s an absolute disgrace.
And by the way…
– I want to ask you–
– No, no, but think of it.
With their loss of
the Electoral College,
that they should never lose,
because the Electoral College
is set up…
700,000 from a group…
Years to approve them. Years.
– But–
– We have judges that are…
You would think that these
guys would treat me great.
I made them a fortune, so–
but they treat me horribly.
– Okay.
– And certain people say,
“You’re still looking good,
Mr. President.”
– All right. Right. Okay.
– There is no collusion
with me.
– All right.
– Right.
– I would rather
have the popular vote
because it’s– to me,
it’s much easier to win…
– It’s a–yeah, it’s a totally
different set of goals,
as opposed
to Electoral College.
– But we have
an Electoral College.
– Right.
– I got 306 and she got what?
223. So remember…
– Right.
– There was no way
to break 270.
I heard that on CBS
and NBC and ABC–
they’re all fake news.
– Well, Mist–
– I heard that for so long.
– Right.
– At CNN.
– Let’s talk about–
– Better than people think–
– Mr. President, the–right.
We could talk to you all day,
but it looks like
you have
a million things to do.
– [laughing]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, man!
Oh! Oh, wow.
I can safely say
that I’ve never seen
a news anchor try to bail on
an interview with the President
of the United States.
Like, how is it that
he’s the Commander in Chief,
but it’s the couch people
who have better things to do?
We–we’d love to keep chatting,
but there’s a video
of a dog skateboarding
that we have to get to,
Mr. President, good-bye.
Like, I never thought
I’d say this,
but I actually almost feel bad
for “Fox and Friends.”
Because if you’re at a party
and some boring-ass dude
wouldn’t stop talking to you,
you could just be like,
“Uh, I have to go get a drink.”
But these poor guys
are on live television.
The only excuse
they could come up with was
that Trump probably had
important things to do.
When it was pretty clear
that he absolutely did not.
He was like, “No, I actually
have the whole day free.
After all,
it’s Melania’s birthday.”
♪ ♪
– It came out last week
that Trump’s personal lawyer,
Michael Cohen,
who is now in deep federal
investigation shit,
only had three clients
in the past year.
All right, the president,
who Cohen helped to pay off
a porn star
that he had an affair with.
His second client,
a major GOP fundraiser
named Elliott Broidy,
who Cohen also helped
to pay off a Playmate
that he had an affair with.
All right, and then Michael
Cohen had one more client.
All right,
out of 7 billion people–
7 billion people, who could
have wanted to join this club
and use Michael Cohen
as a lawyer last year?
Only one other person did.
And this person’s identity
was a complete mystery
until today.
– This is CNN breaking news.
– We are now getting word
the lawyer for the president,
Michael Cohen has just
disclosed in court
that the client who had
requested to remain unnamed
was Sean Hannity of Fox News.
– Thank you.
[laughter and applause]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, it turns out,
Michael Cohen’s secret client
was Sean Hannity, which,
I’m sorry, is not a good look.
You know right now,
Sean Hannity’s probably
on the phone with his wife
like, “Hey, honey,
“it’s so weird how I used the
guy who pays off mistresses
“to get me out
of that parking ticket.
“[laughs]
It’s funny, right?
Hello? Hello?
Hello?”
Just think about how une–how
unethical this is for a moment.
Right, Hannity has been
reporting on this Michael Cohen
story from the beginning–
from the beginning,
but he conveniently
never mentioned
that Cohen was his guy.
And I’ll tell you what else.
I’ll tell you what else.
Once you know that Hannity
has personal skin in the game,
like with Cohen,
it’s fun to go back
and look at everything he said
about the FBI raid
because now we can see that
Hannity wasn’t just mad,
he was scared.
– President Trump’s longtime
personal attorney
Michael Cohen just had
his office, his home,
and his hotel that he was
staying in raided
by the FBI today.
This is an unprecedented
abuse of power.
Cohen’s payment is a perfectly
legitimate business move.
Mueller’s witch hunt
investigation
is now a runaway train
careening off the track.
Spinning out of control.
If you voted for Donald Trump,
you better get buckled up
’cause this is gonna be
a rough ride.
– You know, now that we know
he was working with Cohen,
that looks less like a news
show and more like a guy
really stressed,
giving himself a pep talk.
He’s just like, “Come on,
we gotta get buckled up.
“This is gonna be a rough ride.
Hoo-ha!
[sniffs]
Ahh!”
– Tonight, from Washington,
no one else is talking about
Sean Hannity today,
but he’s here any–
[laughs]
Anyway.
I’m really glad to see you.
Hey, Sean.
– Is there any news?
Anything happening?
– [laughing]
– All right, thanks, Tucker.
– I’m just–
say this.
I–you’re like my brother,
but I’m glad,
for like a millisecond,
the heat’s off me and on you.
Okay, so I’m–I’m feeling–
– Oh, I appreciate that.
– You know, it says a lot
about your news network
when all of your top anchors
are playing scandal tag.
It’s like, “I made fun
of the Parkland kids.
Tag, you’re it!
I’m out! Thank God!”
Now, what people
are really wondering is this:
whatever legal advice was,
why didn’t Hannity get it
from his regular attorney?
Right, instead of turning to
a guy who’s specifically known
for paying off mistresses?
Why did he go to him?
But according to Hannity,
“Baby, this is not
what it looks like.”
– To be absolutely clear,
they never involved any matter,
any–
sorry to disappoint so many,
matter between me,
or third party,
a third group at all.
And are my questions
exclusively almost focused
on real estate?
– Wow, he really slipped in
the “almost” there.
Did you hear it?
Yeah, it was super quick.
It was super quick.
He was like,
“All my questions
to Michael Cohen
“were exclusively,
almost, real estate.
“Exclusively almost.
Exclusively almost.”
Yeah, he sounds like the voice
at the end
of those medical ads.
Zernax is exclusively
almost side effect free.
Exclusively almost.
You can’t say
“exclusively almost.”
“Exclusively almost”
is the kind of phrase
that makes people
ask more questions.
If someone tells you
that they exclusively almost
have sex with adults,
you’re not hiring them
to babysit your kids.
That’s not what you’re
thinking of right now.
But okay, fine. Okay, fine.
Hannity claims
he was just getting
some informal real estate
advice from Michael Cohen,
which makes what he said
a few hours earlier
on his radio show
all the more confusing.
– Okay, okay, okay, whoa.
No, no. Whoa.
Whoa. Okay, wait,
So he’s not your lawyer?
All you had was a few chitchats
about real estate,
but you definitely wanted
attorney-client privilege.
Yeah, you definitely want that.
What the […] did you bury
under that house?
No, I’m just saying, I’ve had
a lot of conversations
about real estate.
At the end of it I never went,
“This never happened.”
What Hannity did was so shady,
even when he tried to talk
about other things on his show,
his own guests
had to call him out.
And please, do enjoy.
– A foreign national using, uh,
Russian sources, of all things,
to get it.
Is that a crime
in Alan Dershowitz’s book?
– Well, first of all, Sean,
I do want to say
that I really think
that you should’ve disclosed
your relationship
with, uh, Cohen when you
talked about him on this show.
I think it would’ve been
much, much better
had you disclosed
that relationship.
You were in a difficult
situation, obviously.
– If you understand the nature
of it, professor,
I’m gonna deal with this later
in the show–
– No, I understand.
– It was minimal.
I put out a statement about it.
– You should’ve said that.
And that would’ve been fair
to say.
– It was such a minor
relationship
in terms of…
– You should’ve said that.
– You–you should’ve said that.
You–you should’ve said that.
♪ ♪
– I beseech
our American lawmakers
from Congress and Senate
to stop slinging mud
across the aisle and come up
with a bipartisan solution
to an obvious epidemic
of gun violence
and mass shooting in America.
– I think, uh, that last kid
is very relatable.
I too do not wish to be shot
in the [bleep] face.
Yeah.
Wherever Malala is right now,
she’s like, “That’s what
I’ve been saying, yeah.
We’re all on the same page.”
Now, most people
who see those kids
are impressed by how
articulate they are
and they’re inspired
by their passion.
Other people,
like ex-congressman
and paid CNN contributor
Jack Kingston,
they think it’s suspicious
that these kids
say they don’t want to be shot
in the face.
– I think it’s
a horrible tragedy
and I am heartbroken,
but I also know
that their sorrow
can very easily be hijacked
by left wing groups…
– But do you think it has been?
– Who have an agenda.
I-I–well,
let’s ask ourselves,
do we really think that–
and I say this sincerely,
do we really think
17-year-olds
on their own are gonna plan
a nationwide rally?
– I say this sincerely, get
the [bleep] out of here, man.
Really? Really?
[cheers and applause]
You think–
you think adults
can convince teenagers
to do something
they don’t wanna do?
Really?
Like, you think these kids
were actually pro-gun,
and then, what,
George Soros showed up
and he was like,
“Who wants Skittles?
Yeah!”
You’re shocked that these kids
can plan a few events?
Like, if this guy
had even seen one movie
about high school, he would
know that planning rallies
is at least 30%
of being a teenager, right.
Yeah, the other 70% is falling
in love with vampires.
That’s all it basically is.
Now, some pro-gun advocates
are taking
the opposite approach, right.
They do believe
that these kids are acting
without adult supervision,
and for them,
that’s exactly the problem.
– The media’s focused more
on a teenager’s expertise
in supply-side control measures
for guns,
which, Tucker, let’s be candid:
they probably have not studied
a very complicated,
layered issue.
– Yeah, you know what?
Yeah, you’re right.
These kids may not
be professors in guns,
but maybe being in
a mass shooting
gets you an honorary degree,
yeah?
Maybe? Just maybe?
[applause]
Like…
You do realize–
you do realize that if people
weren’t allowed
to share their opinions,
unless they’d studied
the issue,
then Donald Trump would
never be allowed to speak.
Right?

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