We Eat Like Donald Trump For A Day


– I wanna be the best.
I wanna be number one.
– That’s right.
– Keith first.
– Keith first.
– Keith first.
(laughs)
I want to be number one.
Today we’re gonna eat like Donald Trump
for all of our meals.
– Mm-hmm.
– For breakfast, we have an Egg McMuffin
and a Diet Coke with a straw
and no coffee.
(somber music)
(groans)
It’s good.
How many Diet Cokes?
Are we having one with every meal?
– What, I’m not drinking 12.
– I don’t drink 12 glasses of water.
– Uh uh.
– Does he just have
it, like, in an IV bag?
(burps)
(sighs)
– I’ve eaten half of this
and I wanna take a nap.
– This truly is fine dining.
– Mm-hm
– You know, it’s fine.
Think we’re gonna go get back to work
and then we’ll come back
and have some delicious lunch.
– I’m excited.
– How are you drinking that?
– I hate myself.
(lively horn music)
– Well, it’s lunchtime.
– Lunch.
– We had our three cookie snack.
– Mm-hmm, delicious.
– I’ve got two Diet Cokes on my table.
What have we got today for lunch?
– Okay.
(lively horn music)
– Wow.
– Wow.
– Wow.
– Two Big Macs, two fish fillets.
Remove bread from sandwiches,
add lots of ketchup,
eat with knife and fork
or
pizza.
Scrape all toppings off and only eat that,
eat with knife and fork.
No, no,
why are you taking my bread?
– Wait, what?
– Why get a Big Mac if
you take the bread away?
That’s kind of the special
part of the Big Mac.
I’m taking that lettuce back.
No, Aria don’t do it.
Oh, God.
– No!
– Look at how he gooped out
all the ketchup into little dollops.
– It’s cute but it’s aggressive.
No, I’m hungry.
That’s like nothing.
This is not a meal.
– No, you’re taking the bread away.
– No.
How can you eat things like this?
– You want this?
– Thank you.
– This is how babies eat.
– That’s a large baby.
– This is what babies eat.
This is how babies eat.
Babies eat ketchup
and they eat frozen food
that’s been baked.
– Do we have any more?
Alright that’s enough
sludge after this, monsieur.
– No more, no sir, no thank you, sir.
– There’s so much ketchup on my plate.
No.
– I’m fucking hungry, okay.
I’m sorry for being very aggressive
right now in this moment.
I need
the
fucking food.
Like, I’m not full.
You ate a lot, though
and I’m proud of you.
(burps)
(laughing)
– My nose is running.
– He’s going through a lot.
He’s going through a lot.
– Oh, my God, why is this happening?
Aria, Aria.
– Blow, blow, that’s good.
– I am baby.
(burps)
– You’re killing my friend.
– Well, we’ll see you in a little bit
when you bring us some
more delicious food.
– Bye.
– Need some water.
– You want some Diet Coke?
– No.
(lively horn music)
Feel like garbage.
I got a headache.
Can’t have any more Diet
Coke, I’m gonna die.
(groans)
What?
(lively horn music)
(can snaps)
(lively horn music)
– I really just really need some water.
I haven’t had any water.
Well, does Trump drink water?
– Thank you.
(slurps loudly)
It’s dinner time.
– It’s dinner time.
(lively horn music)
(surprised exclaiming)
– Well-done steak with tureens of gravy,
bacon crumble salad
to be slathered with roquefort dressing.
– I’m a ranch bitch.
– I’m also a ranch bitch.
I haven’t had a well-done steak in
over a decade.
How much sauce does this guy ingest?
You’ve turned my plate into a gravy boat.
The steak might be floating at this point,
there’s so much gravy.
– This is like a decent
meal at my auntie’s house.
– Your Aunt Keith’s house?
– Auntie.
– Oh.
– You can be my Aunt Keith if you want.
– I would love to be Aunt Keith.
– That’d be great.
– Oh my God, lil’ aunt.
Come on in, I’m cooking something for you.
Is your friend coming tonight for dinner?
Okay, I’ll make a little extra.
– I mean, the steak is
actually pretty good.
– Oh, God, oh, God.
– This isn’t that bad to me.
– Aw, you’re crushing that steak.
– I’m starving.
– Hell fucking yeah.
– The dessert is chocolate cream pie
and add two scoops of ice cream.
Just dump it out, just dump the bowl.
Just yeah, yeah, pour more
liquid on my food, Aria.
– I’m gonna fucking kill the intern.
(can snaps)
– Goddammit.
– If you don’t even see me take one sip
out of a new one that you gave me,
why would you give me another one?
(straw clicking)
I’m pretending this is wine.
– What a time we had today.
I haven’t peed.
– You need to go home
and you get a big jug, a big bowl–
– You know what I always say,
“Go home, have a bowl of water.”
– Drink some water.
Have like a kale smoothie in the mornings.
– Well, we’ll see you next time on
We Eat Like A World Leader.
(laughs)
(choir music)
I just wanted to let you know that
last night at about 1:30
I had severe stomach
pains and then proceeded
to fully shit my brains out.
– I am so sorry.
– It’s okay, I just wanted you to know.
– I hope we’re still friends.
– We are, it’s cool, it’s chill.
It’s not the worst thing
I’ve put in my body either.
(choir music)
♪ America, America ♪
♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪
(logo whooshing)
(logo squeaking)

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